We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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