He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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