Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize