gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
