thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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