Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize