what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
