You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Randomize