I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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