i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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