Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
