he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize