I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
