I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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