What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
