singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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