I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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