two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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