what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
