Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
