Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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