meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
