i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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