Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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