She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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