does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
