I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
