No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
