Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
