Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
