For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
