Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He shit in the fireplace
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
