Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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