Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
