Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
