My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The police scanner is talking about you again....
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
