I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
