Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
