I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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