Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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