I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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