he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
