i permit you to call me
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
