i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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