lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
