you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
