This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I need moral support for this bender
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
