paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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