Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
