She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
