Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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