I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
