My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
