He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
