Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
