He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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