Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
